Here’s a happy post…..
I’ve lost 10lbs in about a week and a half. So happy!
I’ve taken the decision to sign up to juice plus, (rather than make any attempt to get the boiler fixed; it’s not worth the heartache) so I will do some body measurements tomorrow. I have to do a 2 week detox before their plan starts. I’ve made an attempt to start that today.
I’m trying a different pain killer for the fibro. Time will tell if it works.
My waist has reappeared. I can feel such a difference in my body.
I had a serious wake up call from my boyfriend the other day. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I want you to look at me and think phwar, that’s my woman. I want to get texts that say that I looked sexy when you last saw me
BF: Only you can decide what you want to look like…What I don’t want is the person you are when you’re unhappy with yourself… I’m not going to blow smoke up your arse to make you feel better about yourself. You’re not happy about the way you look, then do something about it and stop making it about what I think all the damn time.
He is so right. He is also the only person brave enough to say it to me; which is why I love him so much!
So now the Dr has banned me from running, I have to find another way to lose weight.
I can’t keep forcing my boyfriend to f*** me. I do feel like I’m forcing him. Poor bloke. I’m almost 2 stone heavier now than I was when I met him. Back then we were all about sex. He made it clear he didn’t want a relationship with me. I was only for sex.
2 years on and he is in love with me – and I’m so fat that he finds it hard to want me. He’s not revolted by me. He never says anything about my weight. Is never cruel. Never teases me about it. But there IS a tell tale sign that he doesn’t find me attractive like he used to!
We still have sex. OMG we had amazing sex this morning. But I literally had to beg for it. He works nights. We never get to spend nights together. Makes life very difficult with work. I actually took the day off today so that we could spend it in bed. It was so worth it. (I only get paid for days where I work – no sick days – not conning anyone into paying me). I find myself on my own every night watching porn and pleasing myself. I remember the days when that was the other way round.
I want him to look at me and think – phwar, that’s my woman.
So…what can I do about it? I’ve a friend on Facebook talking about juice plus, another on weight watchers, several on slimming world. I just don’t know where to start. Advice please.
So, I rang the doctor about my medication and weight gain. The receptionist said he would phone me back the following day, which he did, but he woke me up. This meant that I was completely unable to string a sentence together. Do other people have that problem with Fibromyalgia?
I can’t think clearly at all sometimes. Or I can think, but the connection between my brain and my mouth is disrupted and what comes out of my mouth is a slow, slurred, muddled mess. It doesn’t happen all the time, but if I’m woken from sleep like that there is no point trying to talk to me for at least 20 minutes.
Anyway. I managed to say that I had put on a stone and a half over 4 months whilst taking the Amiltriptyline. The Dr said that this wasn’t possible as weight gain wasn’t a side effect of the medication. I was so befuddled that I couldn’t put together a sentence that made much sense, so trying to reason with him was impossible.
I am going to give him a copy of the leaflet from the packet, with the bit that says it causes weight gain clearly highlighted, along with a letter outlining my concerns about my weight.
He ended up saying that he couldn’t help me, that I should continue to take the meds and to stop trying to run and that I should try swimming instead. (That’s all fine in theory – but there is no way on earth I am getting half naked in public!)
On another note, I’ve lost another pound in the last few days – so that’s 8lbs lost in a week and a bit since I stopped taking the Amiltriptyline. Not bad for someone with an underactive thyroid. 🙂
But I haven’t managed to get to work since Tuesday. Sleep patterns are all over the place and the pain is awul.
Today I decided to start. I’d been thinking about it for a while. So many things in my life have always got in the way; work, kids, husband, no husband, no work. You name it, I’ve used it as an excuse for sitting on my fat bum, binging on food and Netflix.
So…I ran. Not far. Not fast. But I ran.
It hurt; but not as much as I expected it to. It was embarrassing; but less so in the dark. It was oddly liberating.
I haven’t run since I was in the hockey team at school. I’m 40 now, so it was quite a while ago.
I’ve been walking with my dog for a few months. My fitness has increased in that time. Unfortunately so has my body size. I take a variety of medication for various health conditions. I think the pills I started on before Christmas for pain, have contributed to me putting on weight. But to be fair and honest, I’ve found myself secretly eating.
When there is nobody around, I’ll eat a bar of chocolate. Or sneak something I shouldn’t into my room. I realised how bad it was when I ‘found’ that I’d eaten 2 tubes of Pringles, to myself, in the space of 12 hours and had to hide the evidence from my boyfriend. I say ‘found’, because I hadn’t noticed that I’d done it. Obviously I knew I’d bought them. But I hadn’t noticed how many I’d stuffed into my mouth whilst watching the telly. It suddenly hit me when I saw the two empty tubes on my bedside table. What a fat cow!
So that was it. The last straw – or at least the last Pringle.
Basically, I’m a fat girl, who wants to run, to have better sex.
I’m 5ft 6. I weight 17.6 stone. I wear a size 20, and have a 38G bust. I hate my body at the moment. (There are some great bits – did I say – I have a 38G bust!) Like so many others out there, I want to do something about it.
I have no illusions that I’ll suddenly lose 9 stone and be a size 8. That is not my goal.
I’d like to be a size 16. Well – I’d really like to be a size 12 and weigh 11 stone, like I did before I had children; with a pelvic floor that didn’t fail on me every time I sneezed. But lets be realistic.
My reasons for wanting to be thinner – I’m supposed to say – are to be fitter and healthier. But those aren’t my reasons. My real reasons…my real, personal goal – is to have better sex.
Yes that’s probably a little too honest. But I like sex. I have a boyfriend. We have great sex with each other, and every now and again, we like to have same room, full swap sex with other people.
Writing that down so publicly is rather scary. I’m sure you’ll judge me for it. But I can’t be the only woman out there who wants to be thinner and sexier and happens to like sex with more than one person at a time.
Having said all that – I know that I am attractive to lots of men out there. There are plenty of blokes who like a BBW. But my boyfriend isn’t one of them.
So…I’m going to run. Not just to please him. But to please me.