The beginning of a journey…

Today I decided to start.  I’d been thinking about it for a while.  So many things in my life have always got in the way;  work,  kids, husband, no husband, no work.  You name it, I’ve used it as an excuse for sitting on my fat bum, binging on food and Netflix.

So…I ran.  Not far.  Not fast.  But I ran.

It hurt; but not as much as I expected it to.  It was embarrassing; but less so in the dark.  It was oddly liberating.

I haven’t run since I was in the hockey team at school.  I’m 40 now, so it was quite a while ago.

I’ve been walking with my dog for a few months.  My fitness has increased in that time.  Unfortunately so has my body size.  I take a variety of medication for various health conditions.  I think the pills I started on before Christmas for pain, have contributed to me putting on weight.  But to be fair and honest, I’ve found myself secretly eating.

When there is nobody around, I’ll eat a bar of chocolate.  Or sneak something I shouldn’t into my room.  I realised how bad it was when I ‘found’ that I’d eaten 2 tubes of Pringles, to myself, in the space of 12 hours and had to hide the evidence from my boyfriend.  I say ‘found’, because I hadn’t noticed that I’d done it.  Obviously I knew I’d bought them.  But I hadn’t noticed how many I’d stuffed into my mouth whilst watching the telly.  It suddenly hit me when I saw the two empty tubes on my bedside table.  What a fat cow!

So that was it.  The last straw – or at least the last Pringle.

A bit about me:

Basically, I’m a fat girl, who wants to run, to have better sex.

I’m 5ft 6.  I weight 17.6  stone. I wear a size 20, and have a 38G bust.  I hate my body at the moment.  (There are some great bits – did I say – I have a 38G bust!)  Like so many others out there, I want to do something about it.

I have no illusions that I’ll suddenly lose 9 stone and be a size 8.  That is not my goal.

I’d like to be a size 16.  Well – I’d really like to be a size 12 and weigh 11 stone, like I did before I had children; with a pelvic floor that didn’t fail on me every time I sneezed.  But lets be realistic.

My reasons for wanting to be thinner – I’m supposed to say – are to be fitter and healthier.  But those aren’t my reasons.  My real reasons…my real, personal goal – is to have better sex.

Yes that’s probably a little too honest.  But I like sex.  I have a boyfriend.  We have great sex with each other, and every now and again, we like to have same room, full swap sex with other people.

Writing that down so publicly is rather scary.  I’m sure you’ll judge me for it.  But I can’t be the only woman out there who wants to be thinner and sexier and happens to like sex with more than one person at a time.

Having said all that – I know that I am attractive to lots of men out there.  There are plenty of blokes who like a BBW.  But my boyfriend isn’t one of them.

So…I’m going to run.  Not just to please him.  But to please me.