This blog is turning into a right whinge. Or perhaps I’ll just use it as a cathartic release from the lies of every day life. I’ve told a few whoppers this week.
I stopped taking the amitriptyline because of weight gain. I don’t want to be fat because I want to be wanted. Not taking the meds has let me lose 8lbs this week – but I can hardly move.
I bunked off work yesterday and today. Was in a horrible mood all day because I thought they’d cancelled my contract. Which they would be so in their rights to do. I got really frightened I wouldn’t be able to feed the kids. Turned out that I can’t read. They actually asked me if I wanted to cancel. Which I don’t. I just am in so much flipping pain I can’t work full time. I’ve blamed having time off on my daughter being ill. She has been. She has been off school. But did I really have to stay home to look after her? No. She’s almost 16.
I’ve been a horrible person to be around. Really, really horrible. I’ve been grumpy with my daughter and selfish and argumentative with my bf.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so hard to get back to work after having what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. But I think I’ve only managed to work everyday in a week once since November. I’ve found other reasons for needing to be off for a day or two.
I can get through the day, but the exhaustion that follows the next day is horrendous. It hurts so much when I wake up in the mornings. Like having the flu. My head will tell me that if I get up, it will help me feel better, but the effort that it takes to get out of bed is over whelming.
I gave in and spoke to the Dr again, who suggested that he sign me off work. There is no sick pay, so I’ve applied for ESA. I hate myself for it. It’s not that I don’t want to work. I really do. I just can’t work 5 days. I haven’t told anybody I work for what is wrong with me. Even my own family think I’m making it up. I sincerely wish I was.
I’ve got £142 in my bank account. No overdraft facility. No savings. I’m in debt up to my eyebrows. Stuck with a house I can’t afford. I was seriously worried that I’d have no work at all.
My daughter came to me yesterday with emails about the school trips she needs to go on. £80 for this, £31 for that. It costs £90 a month just to get her to school by bus. My idiot ex will only pay me £7 a week in child maintenance, even though he’s taken it to appeal and then to tribunal and has been told he has to pay me £140 a month plus arrears. He currently owes me £3k in arreas.
I’m fed up. I’m going to sell some stuff on ebay or gumtree tomorrow to pay for the trips. I’ve offered the plumber my body to pay for the boiler to be fixed. It cost me a quick BJ last time. I need a new kitchen tap as well now. I’m going to have to do a bit more. Can’t believe it has come to this again.